Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.