happy valentine’s day to me
You Might Also Like
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.