Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
bury ourselves
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate