[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
he looks great for his age
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine