CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Ah..makes sense now
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”