If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
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“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.