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*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.