Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos