Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.