My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”