I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
how much for the angry fruit?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me My dog