*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
#SCOTUS one-star review
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back