When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
You Might Also Like
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
shit just got real
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot