when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The French word for sex is croissant.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg