A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
You Might Also Like
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Unimpressed
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.