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put ‘er there pardner!
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.