ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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We’ve all been there…
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.