If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.