Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow