Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
You Might Also Like
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
#Caturday
I hate everything
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Facebook memories be like
Worst bar ever.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
We’ve come full circle
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.