Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music