Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.