Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
incredible book dedication
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.