Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Banking tips
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I have never related to anyone more.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
when mom throws a party…
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!