Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
🤣🤣
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice