Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Are these grass-fed oranges?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”