Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Check your privilege
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief