Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.