Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
You Might Also Like
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
thanksgiving should be called feaster
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
fixed it
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?