Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.