Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I didn’t realize that was an option
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
they split up moments later
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”