my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
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The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?