[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets