me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
uncle dave has been through hell
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Sharon I have some bad news
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I love twitter
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious