This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five