Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting