Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?