Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.