I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”