Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.