Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.