As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!