New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.