*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
And that about sums it up.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.