I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?