Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring