me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Breaking news:
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”