HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really