Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
where’s Godzilla when we need him
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.