[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
You Might Also Like
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I am HOWLING at this
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.